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Back from the cruise but I feel so alone...=[

WOW

So alot has happened this past weekend...
where to start:
I met this guy online and he added me to his facebook SUPER cute.
At first he didn't seem like he was that interested and then we started really talking one day and we clicked.
I invited him to La cita to hang out with me carol lydia ajay and kiki.
SUPER FUN.
He was such a cool guy and open and nice!!!
His name is Andrew.
I slept over his house and all he wanted to do was cuddle and kiss..and not in the grouping your boob trying to go for more kiss just..kiss.
It was awesome!
i had to leave to next day and instead of being a typical "so when are you leaving.." kind of thing he asked what we were going to do after breakfast! Unfortunately we had to go and after bumping NFG in his car he dropped me off. He asked if i wanted to hang out that night so we did again. He finally got to meet thomas and thats what made me happy he totally gets along!! He's just super nice and gets along with everyone. So that night WE ALL slept over it was silly but cool! He told me he hadn't sleep so good since he's been in LA.
He's from Washington..moved here 3 months ago.
Left in the morning and once again he wanted to hang out that night so i went to his house and we played xbox for alittle then went to the lions den.
Spent the night at this house again! And i wasnt going to but he asked.=]
It was cool.
The night before he mentioned something about baggage so i asked him about it that night and he said he was married and got divorced with the 4 year relationship girl he had told me about prior...he was really nervous to tell me and even asked if i was going to bolt for the door. But it wasnt even close to a big deal like I was with a guy that had a kid!!! I mean really..hahah but he's had a gf after that so idk..i like that buffer..but he's just like so legit and nice =]].
We will see where this goes..
rob ..not so happy ha that what he gets.

OMG!!

YOURE A FUCKING ALCOHOLIC!
YOU'VE FUCKED UP YOUR THROAT WHERE YOU ALMOST NEEDED SURGERY.
YOU'VE LOST ALL YOUR FRIENDS BECAUSE YOU'RE A DRUNK PSYCHO.
YOU PISSED IN THE MIDDLE OF DOWNTOWN ON A BUSY STREET IN FRONT OF EVERYONE.
YOU'VE RIPPED $60 INTO PIECES.
YOU'VE ALMOST GOT IN A FIGHT WITH ME YOUR COUSIN.
YOU DROOLED ALL OVER YOURSELF AND MY CAR.

YES I UNDER ADDICTION IS A DISEASE BUT WEAKMINDEDNESS ISNT SO GET THE FUCK OVER IT AND GROW UP TILL THEM I'M FUCK DOWN WITH YOUR DUMBASS !!!

Most def!

So last night got this totally 180 view on Rob!
So first shows up to steves bbq and has a hicky(which i called him out on), then he calls up a couple grenades to come over (grenades=fat girls) well they weren't fat but they were definitely chubs! So he's seemingly trying to talk to one but subtly. AND then later in the night his ex Valerie shows up and by the end of the night it on his part atleast seemed like he was trying his hardest to convince her to hang out with him like go home together or something which to me seemed like she was doing the "yeah ofcourse okay" when reallly she's means..NO but who knows maybe she really was like wanting to hang out with him. Either way!
As I was going to and leaving arts I felt different like something new. And only when I was on my way home i realize I'm just 100% done with Rob. The thing that made it different was I wasn't mad or resentful about it. I wasn't hurt at all by the way rob acted. It was more of a realization and acceptance of what he was. Before I realized what kind of guy he was but wanted to believe there was that little possibility of something so I didn't accept how he was.
So now that I have I just don't wanna really talk to him, but not because i don't like him or I'm mad at him but because were just friends and with my just friends which is like...a Josie or brownie or Ashley it's like yeah we hang out and talk when we are hanging out but we don't text each other try to become close friends. I don't want to be close friends with rob, I already have my close friends. I don't need one that's going to play with my emotions and cause drama. Rob is a cool person and I'm cool with him and will be as long as it lasts but I need to be "the guy" and put that wall of just friends up. And I think either not responding to his calls/ texts or being "whatevers" and borderline guysish is what I have to do to establish that. This feels good. I don't feel weak. I don't even feel like I have to put any effort because I'm not into him. Weird feeling .. I like.

In other news. Hooked up with art! Man so weird in bed! Well not WEIRD but veryyyy into it and slow. Like maybe he's just very sensitive. No doubt an ego boast lol but different. It was fun though lol. After the night with rob it also felt empowering..actually regardless of Rob it felt empowering because I made this decision I got what I wanted because I wanted it. Nobody took advantage of me. That was empowering for me. I guess the fact that rob thinks im just about him when in fact I'm going out meeting guys and having fun with them is empowering over him. I also think having dick there tonight may have definitely pulled him off his high horse. Nothing is going on with me and dick but i could see how someone might not think that. Yes it was a little fuck you... And that was me not being over it I guess but toward the end of the BBQ is when I overcame that.
Lol go me!!

I'll be up up & away! Up up & away 'cause they gonna judge me anyway so whatever

- this quote from kid cudi of all places has actually helped me with EVERYTHING lately :3

Posted via Journaler.

what the H lol

So Thursday I went out to Rock it with Kiki, Lydia, Vien Vi, Brisa and Dick. We meet up with antonio and his friends there and Christina. I proceeded to get WASTED. My cousin's baby's daddy showed up who kiki knew with his cousin and his cousins friend. His cousin was cute..and apparently i told him that. Apparently I charmed the cousin that night even when I was drunk and got kicked out lol. He was even down to come to my house what the H. So next day he wants to go out and stuff so I was spending ALL day trying to find someone to go with to meet up with this guy because i really didnt know if we'd click or anything like that I finally ended up taking Emo Alex. The guy from Rock It, Art, shows up with the friend he brought to rock it..don't remember what his name was but yeah. We all go out kind of an awkward feeling but it was cool just weird that i felt we (alex and I) seemed to be drinking more than the two guys but whatever after checking out a couple bars we dropped arts friend off then art dropped me and alex off. While i was taking alex home art texted me saying he wanted to hang out longer so i told him to just chill at my house. So we end up going to Arts friends house 2 of the 3 guys are passed out but one guys up we have a good time till finally we had to leave. It was actually a really really goodnight. Art told me he wanted it though originally to be just be me and him and i get that but idk..first ime meeting someone sober and not even know who they are..he understood.
Next night...i get SMASHED...somehow text him accidently actually..and he texted me back needless to say I was pretty drunk during this time because i remember dancing at the lions den than BAM i'm in the car with xavier. DONT even know how THAT happened lol. All i remember is coming to i guess you could say and telling Xavier like he shouldn't be THAT guy who cheats on his girl he's better than that and realizing that art is parked outside my house so i had to rush my conversation with xavier THAN jump into arts truck. NOT sure the details of our conversation but he said something like implying he wanted to kiss me and i told him ..drunkingly..something along the lines of "look because we dive into that boat, i just want you to know that i'm not looking for hook ups right i'm trying to find something a little more serious then that" dont know how exactly i worded it but yeah. He said He's not looking for a girlfriend or relationship and so i was like cool and after some more dialogue ended up just going home. I dont know if it was something i said or did but he seemed pretty eager to go home too lol.
So texted him the next day apologizing for being drunk and stuff all i got back was a "dont worry about it"...
so pretty let down.
THAN the earth quake happened last night and i figured since it happened in Pico and he's from Pico it would give me a good excuse to text him..all i said was
"Did you feel the quake?!"
Art: "lol ya"
Me: "that was crazy i felt i woke up before it hit"
...no reply
So i reasoned..okay maybe he just fell asleep so i decided to text him later on saying "so how was it for you guys in pico because it was the epicenter? Some guy on the news said you guys had like 4 jolts"..no reply..
ive never been on THAT side of a situation..ive been where he's at which is realizing this person isn't for me so i'm just going to ignore them....
like WOW...

Cons:
-rejection
-brings down self esteem.
-he was cute!
-i feel like "what if"

Pros:
-He said he didn't want a relationship so in the end it is better to just cut it off before it goes anywhere and its kind of good because its not like local people where its like fuck i'm going to run into them again.
-Although its kind of a dickish thing to just ignore me I think its better than him busting a rob and kind of being too friendly where hes pretty much flirting even when he knows he doenst want more..like "pretending" or "playing a game".

I dont know...it makes me also wonder if I did or said something when I was really drunk...and a part of me wants to just ask him if i did or say something else...just because i can be like okay..let me not get that drunk...where as if it was JUST the fact that i said i was looking for more i'll just like okay makes sense and move on...If it was something that had to do with the drunkeness it would...give me more reason to maybe cut down.
However I think that I can't really ask him that..and get a straight answer ...Kiki says Vanessa said hes a really nice guy but for some reason i get this vibe that even if i did ask him ..he would be a douche about it and be like "stop bugging me" or something along those lines...

I DONT KNOW..

and Rob...that boy is the biggest WEASEL yo yo I know!
He told me he had a "sex dream" essentially though in not so much blunt words..its like why would you tell me this?! I dont need to know. it's a shame i really think he wouldve been a better friend than if we hooked up like we just shouldnt but which Rob he seems like the kind of guy that flirts with his girl best friends or ALL his girl friends..which is kind of annoying i dont know....
WHATEVER
New found glory saturday SAVES THE DAY HELLOGOODBYE <3333
AMAZING
disneyland
:3
should be super fun!

Finally.

Closure. I deleted Rubens number finally. I'm done waiting for something that isn't going to happen. Its practically been a year since we've talked really. Maybe a little less but pretty much. It's been 4 years since anything was going on between us. I was just living in a fantasy world where I believed that we were meant for each other and it's just bad timing. It's not. We are two different people. It is what it is. He's been living with his girlfriend for 3 years and regardless everything he tells me about how he feels about me or how he feels about her...he's with her not me and theres no chance of him leaving her. Us not conversing for less than a year is the nail in the casket.
It's okay though. As long as he's happy =/

So Saturday OH MAN!
So we all show up at Steves (I drove Jimmy and Kiki) Ricky, Eddie, Robert (Robcastle) were there along with Steves other friend. Ricardo. He totally looked familiar so I told him he did lol. Apparently we went to the same high school he was a year older. He's now a teacher student which is a trip, he teachers econ and history! CRAZY!!! Not cute or anything super sweet guy. I was talking to him a lot because thats just how I am. I'm friendly if I get a good vibe off someone and especially if they are guys because with girls if there are guys around or something theres always this underlying competitive thing unless you are all friends. So anyways i was being nice to him the whole night really cool whatever. We get to the bar, i snuck in UV Vodka lemonade and mixed it with lemonade HORRIBLE IDEA! My chest was hurting! I threw up like twice I think. Bad times. He bought me a couple rum and cokes. Nice guy. HOWEVER, I've been having a thing for Robcastle...subtly because since the other Robert situation, as well as Frankie, Johnathan ..so on i'm just dood..I need to not even try to think a guys intentions or anything then a quick make out sesh. Before Saturday we had been getting along great and hanging out he's REALLY cool talkative guy. Kind of reminds me of me in some sense. Anyways he leaves the bar to go to this friends kickback or whatever and i'm like asking half of my friends where he is because i'm drunk and yeah. Somehow though I stumble into my old vans coworker George, we've made out once prior to this meeting like a month ago so...what did we do? MAKE OUT lol. Luckily it was pretty much where no one could see us or else I might be in trouble. Apparently paparazzi got in on it because a random number sent two pictures of us making out lol. They would be really cute if we were together but we're not so their more like photos that have to stay on the DL lol. Anyways I bail on him for some reason i go back to the front and Roberts there and i'm like "heeyyy" BIG HUG! lol. I get very touchy when im drunk i love hugs lol. So we're like omg we only have ..a few minutes till 2! lets walk to 7-11 get alcohol. My drunkass bought a juice. I didn't even drink it I was too drunk to remember to take it out of the car. Anywayyyyss these other guys that are kikis friends show up at steves (because we all went there after) and someone I became the center of their attention. While sitting on the couch, someone else was in the mix too but i forgot too, this one guy was really trying to talk to me.The whole time I'm not really into it at all. I mean i was about Robcastle that night..so yeah but i'm tolerating them and just being friendly. Then I get a text from Robcastle.
RObcastle: Your hot i'm drunk.
Me: You're cute i'm not that drunk.
Robcastle: your hot i'm sober!!!
Me: No your not sober.
Robcastle: I might not be but I know a hot gal when I see one.
Me: hahahaha your adorable.
Robcastle: Haha liar. Seriously though!!
Me: Hahahahah duh your my vegas buddy! Cancers!!
Robcastle: You better be my cancer buddy or else i'll beat you!!!

WHAT IF HE'S A CHRIS BROWN!?
lol soo basically at one point we got in the bed and spooned wiuth like a whole bed of people but yeah it was sweet he was cute. No kissing.
Next day he says we should do something after back and forth of what to do because i'm a baller on a budget...i'm like lets just go see legion. IDK why but he was like already on his way practically so he came in like 5 minutes it was a little bit awkward. I was being somewhat distant because it was like I dont know if I want him to hit on me. I don't want to get involved and it end up with them just wanting a booty call. If i've learned anything its they all start off nice and sweet in the beginning and then you realize they're just another hoe. A HOECAKE! Cause they're sweet on the outside and all hoe on the inside. Also truthfully he resembles Mikey and also in his personality somewhat like a fun guy. So i dont know...just don't know what even MY intentions are. So he drove me home...kind of awkward but cool and just gave him a hug and left. He said to hit him up during the week to so we could hang out I guess he's down. So i was like sure. However he hasnt texted me today which I thought he mightve...or something. I dont know if maybe he 1. realized not to into me 2. My distance-ness made him like...think that i wasnt into him and kind of turned him down. I dont know...I'll text him tomorrow see if he wants to come over and watch a movie or something see whats going on.

Oh AND THENNN I get a text from Steve asking if I liked Ricardo and I didn't want to just say NO. but i was like well he's a cool guy and i mightve been but robcastle kind of side lined me and distraced me or whatever. and he was like well do you want his number and i didnt want to be a jerk so i was like sure... so hes like next time don't pretend like you dont like him..
and im like in my head i dont lol..I DONT ! Kind of jerk but if youre not into someone your not.

Also I question my double standards because can I really be questioning guys motives when i'm making out with a guy when the same night i'm hanging out with a guy I like. Maybe i'm the one acting like the guy...i dont know. I mean i'm single but obviously if I'm scared if Robcastle found out it must be some degree of wrong..who knows..lol find out in Vegas.


My paparazzi photos:




Don't.

Don't do this again.
Don't call me at 1:40am and ask me to go all the way to Eagle Rock to go see you.
I dont know if you're drunk or not but if you're calling me at 1:40am..I don't trust it.
I'm glad he didn't call back for a 3rd time because I honestly don't know how strong I would be, but as it stands now..I am strong. I am better than this. I deserve better. I don't deserve be called at 1:40am...to go over because he "needs to tell me something he found out". Don't say I'll give you $10...yes that is VERY tempting..but at what cost?! My dignity. Maybe it was 2-3pm...i don't know not fucking 1:40am almost 2am. I not a whore. You are NOT the center of my universe. Just because you want to see me doesn't mean i'm at your call.
I'm even going out of my way to say sure if you want to talk to tomorrow I'm down to hang out and hear what you got to say...but not thats not good enough apparently it has to be RIGHT NOW or i'm an asshole.. Well then fuck it I'd rather be an asshole.
At least I'm an asshole with dignity.

ugh how was I ever with you for a whole fucking year...It blows my mind. I hope you find some girl who is your lap dog and when you say jump she says how high? and enjoys it. Fuck that i'm nobodies fucking lap dog.

>:D

Grr.

AND then this Saturday..guess who gets out of jail?!
...Alexander.
Oh god I have NOOOO clue what to do about THAT.
I don't want to get back with or attempt to, yet i have this guilty ness FOR NO REASON! I HAVE NO REASON TO FEEL GUILTY.
I mean i do and i don't.
i feel guilty because im sure i somewhat led im on through the letters because i felt bad he was in jail and no one really cared about him.
but i mean i shouldn't feel guilty for walking away in a sense.
Ive been happy and fine this whole time he's been in prison and forgive me but i kind of wish he'd stay...i dont want him back here.
I dont want him calling me or texting me...
I dont want to feel lonely and decide to see him.
I dont want to get the nauseas feeling when i know i did something to make him mad.
I wish i didnt have his xbox!...
i dont know if i should go and tell him on saturday thati cant do this anymore and i can't pick him up or what..
I wish i never met that boy. Ive NEVER really said that about any boy but this one...i really do wish i never met him. He's made me i feel a somewhat grumpier person, a less trustful person, he made me an unhappy person, and a lot of negative things..i just dont like it.
I dont trust guys as much because of him.


And 19 year old eagle rock boy is like annoying the hell out of me...like he's sweet but if i have to go through another "do you miss me? how much?" omgg !!!

I dont want a relationship with him but i dont mind flirting and having fun with him.
i dont know i know i'm going deeper than i should loll

So now leaves the question of SATURDAY (pauls birthday) and New years eve..
I want a new years kiss..
on one hand: I could chance it and on new years and maybe things will be different with robert by then and i can kiss him orrr i can bring a guy...so far the people ive asked about bringing a guy dont see a problem with it....they make it seem robert won't care. I kind of wish they wouldve said "no why your going to hurt robert" because then itd give me that little hope that MAYBE he does care. And same situation saturday, im not going to lie i want to make out with a guy, do i HOPE its robert yes because i guess i like him, however...should i be waiting for something that isnt going to happen when i can just invite a guy that i definitely have a chance with to go to pauls....
I DONT KNOW..
and its worst because no one has ANY insight on it..
they dont really say go for it or dont go for it.
I told george to ask robert (in a way that wouldnt make it seem like i asked george to ask him) how he felt about me or atleast the situation...
i am pretty sure i'm going to get some bad news if any..

sighghghghghhg.

Halloween/Dia de los muertos

 So my halloween was a 5/10...we went to this girl Angelinas party in Pomona.
The house was sickkkkkk.
The people were super nice.
The dog looked like bolt!

I went with George, Robert, Steve, Veenvi, Chris, his GF, lourdes romo, Brownie, Josie, Ashley.
We got jagger.
At first it was kind of a bore because not alot of people were there and steve and his group left all early
so i mostly chilled with Natasha.
i got drunk eventually.
Apparently when i left I some guy was crying and i was like "fuck i guess he's sad cause the party's ending" hahahhaha totally dont' remember this till george just told me.
then for some reason we went to El monte latterrrrrrrrrrrrr in the night.
It was lame..
Jorge called and showed up.
but by that time i twas time to go and brownie took my keys cause he left earlier and forgot to give them back.
So Jorge dropped george off, then took me to brownies to get my keys then took me home.
then my night was turned into a nightmare.
I pretty much had a huggeee arguement about how much he hated me because he still loved me and he thinks i'm a bitch and he never wants to be my friend again and he doesnt understand why i broke up with him.
First off thats alot to put on a drunk person.
Secondly...hello its been 4 fucking years!! Seriously, after that long you have to keep shit in your head or else you just sound crazy.
So finally it got on my nerves and i was like FUCK YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY I BROKE UP WITH YOU? I FELL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE ELSE! I'M SORRY BUT THATS THE TRUTH, YOU WANTED TO KNOW WHY THATS WHY! IM SORRY I DONT FEEL ANYTHING FOR YOU.  I CANT GIVE YOU WHAT YOU WANT, I'M SORRY ABOUT THAT BUT THATS HOW IT IS!

It was bad i went inside just like fuck seriously killed my  night, my buzz, everything. God like he knows i dont feel that way for him and yet its my fault..i understand being hurt. It kills me about ruben and mikey but i dont hate them or anything like that.

dumb.

Then today me Paul and Nina and her bf and this girl LIZ. Went to this thing called do-over it was like a club from 4-10 lol it was fun good music till the end when they played mexican music it was fun for a couple songs then it was like..okay over it!
A couple cute guys, didnt talk to anyone though.
Fucking amy winehouse trying to rape paul lol.
Alot of good costumes.
It was definitely my do over.
We ate roscoes after that was cool.


This girl told me to add her on myspace because she took pictures at Angelinas house.
She said she's Andreas sister...i have no clue who andrea is!




Just needless drama from someone who stil is too immature to handle such a friendsgip


Guilty pleasure

 ABDC coming back woo.
Freeze by beatfreakz  and the michael jackson performance by jabbawookez was awesome. Im glad they made the top 10.

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